“My Child Does Not Want To Go To Therapy”
A typical question we encounter is “how far should we go to get our son to therapy?”
I try to say all the right things to his complaints such as “I know I don’t need it” and “It’s not helping” and “I’m fine now”…but you know as well as I do that none of that matters to him and he’s going to be mad at us for forcing him to do this “horrible thing”. I tell him that it’s for him and that he won’t know if it will help until he actually tries. I can tell you that it stresses me and in turn, the family, terribly. I would hate to destroy the relationship that we have because of this; I think you can tell that we have a pretty good rapport and for the most part, mutual respect. So…what can I do to help keep that intact?
Your son’s conduct is not unusual. Usually it happens in younger kids but there are plenty of immature college age kids who utilize emotional blackmail to get their way. They want their parents to give them money without questions or strings, and if they place demands they destroy whatever peace currently exists in the relationship.
Everything that a person goes through in life is supposed to prepare him for a happy productive future as a member of society. You want your son to feel happy and comfortable in his twenties, working under a boss, obeying the law of the land and having normal interpersonal relationships. For any child to have a healthy psychological development, the parent has to remain in position of authority and not equality. You are not your child’s friend, you are the parent, and that will require him recognizing that he has to obey you even though he does not like or agree with your decisions. There is no condemnation in not understanding what is wrong with your child that he needs a therapist. However, when parents let their kids dictate their non-treatment the child interprets it as 1. The parent not caring or 2. The parent approving of the behavior.
Your son’s anger at you is just a displacement of the anger he feels towards himself. I would try to really internalize this fact and reflect this back to him. So, when he is angry at you for trying to help him you feel sad for the low opinion he has of himself. He is not stupid, he knows you mean well, you are devoting the little time you have off from work to help him and he is ungrateful. Even if he thinks your path is not effective he should be grateful for your efforts and intentions. Let him know that that is what you believe.
In summary, he has to go because he has a problem and this is a solution you believe will work. If he participates, it will work quickly. If he does not participate, then that poses another problem which makes the worker harder and longer but does not change the path. If he is angry at you, you feel bad for his low self esteem and thinking he is ungrateful. Regardless, he has psychological work to do, just like any other homework and later in life regular work. You assert your authority as a parent and get your child to go to the appointment.
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